Wednesday, 1/11/2023

Words for Wednesday writing challenge:

Prompts:

·         Reflection           * Mirror               * Deception       * Air       * Heir

And/or:

·         Seeds                    * planting            * harvest             * Forget               *due

And/or:  Wayfaring Stranger

And/or:  Color for January: PINE GREEN

 

As I look at my REFLECTION in the MIRROR, I wonder if it truly shows the roads and trails I have traveled in my life to the present.  My eyes seem older, tired and jaded. I do try my best to see the best in people and the bright side of situations, but I have been the victim of DECEPTION and lies before – even if they weren’t initially meant that way.  I think that is what makes life so much harder – that we look for the lies and deceptions first before stepping forward and no longer take people for what they say.  Isn’t that sad, though?  What we grow up believing we are the HEIR to, that we will have as certain as the AIR we breathe oftentimes is not so apparent or straightforward.  Is that due to another’s deception, or how life goes, or as our own actions cause?  Then, after all that happens, can we see an outstretched hand offering our dreams again to us as the pure-hearted offer that it may be?  Does such things always come with a dark side?

I think we all end up wandering in our lives – whether literally, mentally or metaphorically – searching for ourselves and what we think we actually are.  How we view ourselves when we’re young is often a product of how our family or friends see us or want from us.  Do our parents want an HEIR to their legacy?  Or are we just the extra worker that came along, meant only to assist others?  Or could we be the stand-by plan  (plan B, plan C, or plan J)? While we are taught to not “put our eggs all in one basket”, how many back-up plans really are needed?  Then, as we grow up and go out into the world, see that our family perhaps isn’t the best out there and you’re not really the prince or princess you’ve built up in your imagination. That there’s so much different and strange and wonderful out there in both the natural world and our civilizations – along with the scary and downright evil that our parents and family tried to protect us from.  And when those protections are removed, whether intentionally or unintentionally – we feel bereft and lost, wandering through the rocky crevices and marshes and hoping that the paths we choose will ultimately lead us up and out to clean air and clear views.

Fall and Winter are low points for me since I have lost much during these months in my life. Fall and Winter has given me not just falling leaves, crisp air, and potential snow – but also loss and people’s deaths.  My brother – lost in September/October.  My parents – died in October and January.  My friends – died in September and January.  It’s not called the harshest seasons for nothing.

Now – I have been offered a chance at new beginnings with lots of change.  To move away from my nice, cushioned and insulated life in the city with its own set of issues to go back home  to the farm and have space and animals and make a more sustainable life not only for myself but for my own family and legacy in my daughter. I’m struggling to believe that this offer is just what it seems and not look for the hidden trapdoor.  Is that fair? No – this new offer is from someone else and not the same situation. But still part of me, the trained animal brain, is screaming “same thing, different words”.

 

BUT

January is a time to look forward, not back.  To plan for the future even though it’s still dark and cold and decide what SEEDS shall be started in anticipation of seeing the tender green shoots emerge, PLANTING them in ground once it thaws for them to grow into their own selves, and hope for a good HARVEST months and perhaps years in the future.  I won’t FORGET the hard lessons that have been taught to me, but that shouldn’t keep me from seeing the potential for good in a place that can sustain our family for us and future generations.  Is this my DUE?  Possibly, but only as the PINE GREEN shoot is DUE the chance to grow.  What it ends up doing is its own choice.

 

Our society has trained us to see the new year as starting in January, bu t for me I’ve always considered my new year to be in February with my birthday.  Most people look back and recap the previous year in December , but I generally do that in January after the Holidays have completed and after we’ve had a chance to take a breath. Most times I don’t get too far on this because I get depressed on seeing that last year and the new year will be much the same, faced with the same situations, same decisions and same longings.

This year – 2023 – will be different. (Which messes with my OCD)

 

In 2023, we expect to sell our mobile home in Albany and move back to the Farm again. While we’ve done this several times before, it’s for different reasons now.  Before it’s been from desperation or a need to help my parents.  Now, while it’s still partially to help my sister, it’s for US. We’re going there stronger than before and knowing there will be a large amount of work to get the existing mobile ready for us and then repair the farm and, hopefully, rejuvenate it into a new era. The only thing limiting us is the ever present finances, imagination, and our willingness to work for the hoped-for harvest.

 

Can we make it work?  Will it work?  Time will tell, but if my life has taught me anything is that if it doesn’t work that we’ll still be fine – life will go on. Perhaps different and not how we planned, but go on nevertheless.